Broken . . .

I didn't start out this way.

I used to be organized, on-the-ball, upbeat, happy, patient, friendly and kind. I could remember every facet of my children's lives, from parent teacher conferences to dance practices (without even consulting a calendar!). My house looked lived in but well-kept even though both my husband and I worked. I can't tell you exactly when I turned the corner into lazy, grumpy, ornery, just-doing-enough-to-get-by...but I've been there for some time now. Perhaps the slow descent was enough to fool me that nothing bad was happening. The biggest question is why? How did I let this happen to me and my family?

Am I overworked? Stressed out? Tired? Sure, but no more so than millions of other stay-at-home or working moms. So what the hell is my problem? My house looks like a perpetual tornado lives here (my4 children don't help, but I mean...seriously?). And you know what? Most of the time I just don't care. It drives my husband up a wall. He asks me all the time if I have seen such and such or so and so's room and I have, but I just don't care and I cannot for the life of me find the will or motivation to do anything about it anymore. Even when I do pick up the main areas, I feel it's a wasted effort. My children tear through the house leaving a wake of destruction behind them.

But I can't even just blame them. It's me. Working graves has taken it's toll on me, I am home during the day but so exhausted I usually don't even want to get out of bed, even on those days when I had the night off. My job as a mother is to keep the house at least reasonably tidy and I can't do it. I'm not lazy, I assure you. But now that the laundry is literally taking over, it overwhelms me to the point where I'm frozen and immobile. My kindergartner has missed 19 days of school this year . . . I have slacked and there is no excuse.

I am broken for many other reasons too. I suppose I shouldn't lay it all on the line right off the bat to keep this interesting. But you can probably name just about any area that a wife/mother/woman should find success or fulfillment in and I am nowhere near feeling successful or fulfilled. I feel like a complete and utter failure most days.

The purpose of this is going to be to find my way from Broken Mom to Whole, Happy, Healthy, Fulfilled Mom. I just have to find the courage to do it...