Broken . . .

I didn't start out this way.

I used to be organized, on-the-ball, upbeat, happy, patient, friendly and kind. I could remember every facet of my children's lives, from parent teacher conferences to dance practices (without even consulting a calendar!). My house looked lived in but well-kept even though both my husband and I worked. I can't tell you exactly when I turned the corner into lazy, grumpy, ornery, just-doing-enough-to-get-by...but I've been there for some time now. Perhaps the slow descent was enough to fool me that nothing bad was happening. The biggest question is why? How did I let this happen to me and my family?

Am I overworked? Stressed out? Tired? Sure, but no more so than millions of other stay-at-home or working moms. So what the hell is my problem? My house looks like a perpetual tornado lives here (my4 children don't help, but I mean...seriously?). And you know what? Most of the time I just don't care. It drives my husband up a wall. He asks me all the time if I have seen such and such or so and so's room and I have, but I just don't care and I cannot for the life of me find the will or motivation to do anything about it anymore. Even when I do pick up the main areas, I feel it's a wasted effort. My children tear through the house leaving a wake of destruction behind them.

But I can't even just blame them. It's me. Working graves has taken it's toll on me, I am home during the day but so exhausted I usually don't even want to get out of bed, even on those days when I had the night off. My job as a mother is to keep the house at least reasonably tidy and I can't do it. I'm not lazy, I assure you. But now that the laundry is literally taking over, it overwhelms me to the point where I'm frozen and immobile. My kindergartner has missed 19 days of school this year . . . I have slacked and there is no excuse.

I am broken for many other reasons too. I suppose I shouldn't lay it all on the line right off the bat to keep this interesting. But you can probably name just about any area that a wife/mother/woman should find success or fulfillment in and I am nowhere near feeling successful or fulfilled. I feel like a complete and utter failure most days.

The purpose of this is going to be to find my way from Broken Mom to Whole, Happy, Healthy, Fulfilled Mom. I just have to find the courage to do it...

Freaking Cute . . . but he talks!

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love this little boy! I mean, seriously? Can you deny he is freaking cute!? Well today, I went to lunch with my best friend Lynette. I took Brevin with me, he is and was very well behaved. That is until we had someone sit behind us . . . someone who happened to be a bit on the big side. To which my son tapped me and said "Mom . . . look! That guy is fat!". I shushed him and said we don't say that, but I didn't satisfy him . . . he wanted me to acknowledge what he was saying was true . . . so he said it again. I managed to get my hand over his mouth so you couldn't hear him, but that also made him cry. I again told him we don't say that . . . but still he was not satisfied. After he was done with his tears, he said it again . . . so I was forced to agree with him so he would stop.

A few weeks back, I was getting home from work and John was heading out the door to work . . . Brevin was in our bed, of course . . . and that sweet little boy laid his hand on my cheek and said "Mommie, you're beau-full!". He then proceeded to say "Daddy is nice . . . and hairy!"

Love that little guy!

I had to add what Brevin said last night . . . I was already in bed and Brevin came in crying . . . "Mommie, I don't like Daddy! He is mean and he is a tard! Go spank his bum! I like Haidyn, and I like Claitlyn (Caitlyn) and I like you and I like Dilyn, but I DON'T like Dad!"

Discovery Gateway

John took the kids to Discovery Gateway a few weeks ago, so mommie could get some well deserved rest! Looks like they had fun! Thanks John for the break!

He must take after his dad . . . Now, is that a nice comment or a mean one? You decide!

Caitlyn is looking pretty intense . . . she gets that from her mommie!

Future scientists?

I think they really liked Life Flight! Lots of pictures to choose from in the helicopter! They get this from my side of the family . . . I'm just saying . . .

Not sure what is going on with Haidyn here . . . looks like she is about to sneeze, but Caitlyn and Brevin sure look cute!

Riding a plastic horse! Does it get any better than that!?

Seriously just had to throw this in! My favorite part is her t-shirt . . . it says "No Beer Goggles Necessary". Hope I don't get in trouble for that! HA HA! (Thank you Christenson's for the shirt!) And check out her amazing dance pants! From the BEST dance company there is! TDC! Woo Hoo!! Tiffany Dance Company, baby!!

What Will We Find?

When you go out on a date and leave the kids home . . . do you worry about what will greet you when you walk in the door? I know I do! We have stopped hiring babysitters, because, well, one time I came home to my house destroyed by one, so we let the kids fend for themselves. For the most part . . . they do fairly well. On occasion, I have come home extremely disappointed! John and I went out a few weekends ago . . . this was what we found . . .

Don't you love it!

Maid for Hire!

If my girls would take just a bit of his initiative . . . there would be less yelling and more hugs and kisses! I am sure he will change as he gets older . . . but for now, he is stinking cute! He always wants to help and he see stuff that needs to be done and he tries to do it! What a fabulous little boy! Love his little smile!

Sledding Anyone?

This years has not been the best as far as snow goes . . . we kept waiting for a big storm to go sledding, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen this year. So when we got a snow storm a few weeks ago, we decided that it was time for action! Nothing like an adventure in the snow!



What a good big sis! Haidyn taking that little brother down the hill!

Haidyn actually got a couple of runs in by herself!

I don't think Dilyn went down the hill once! Just played in the snow . . .

The biggest child of the group . . . 39 going on 40!

Daddy and Son . . . how sweet!

Sisters by Chance . . . Friends by Choice

What can I say? Sweet aren't they!?

Christmas . . . better late than never!

Ever so slightly behind on blogging . . . but I am trying to catch up! Here are a few pictures from our Merry Christmas!

Brevin had to pose with everything he opened! Love the face!

Dilyn . . . love her toothless grin!

Mommies was ever so slightly tired!

Grammy made each girl an apron and gave them each a recipe book . . . so cute!

Haidyn the Grr . . . she finally got her DS . . .

Caitlyn wanted Lego's . . . luckily she has aunts and uncles to answer the call!

What every dad should be doing on Christmas!

The Eve of Christmas

Just a bit of fun waiting for the fat man in the red suit . . .

Dance . . . Christmas Style!!

One of my favorite things at Christmas is watching my girls dance . . . Well, that is one of my favorite things to do anytime! I am so proud of them! They are so amazing! I love to watch them as they continue to progress with their abilities. They never fail to bring tears to my eyes!

This year was no different in the tears department . . . I had failed to realize that I worked the night before . . . so I got home at 6:00 AM and they had to be there and ready at 10:15 . . . so needless to say, with less than 2 hours sleep, I was tired and emotional and I know I offended and was rude to a few people along the way . . . oops.

Dilyn danced to "Santa Baby". Check the bling on her finger! Dilyn has come such a long ways! From running off the stage crying to just standing there scowling to now doing her entire performance! Fabulous girl! Just fabulous!!

Haidyn is becoming very accomplished in her Ballet! Of course, she tells me it is her least favorite.

Haidyn was a present in the production number . . . I love this picture of her . . . isn't she beautiful!!

My only complaint this year was that Caitlyn only performed one dance and it was the production number . . . didn't get to see her dance much, but thanks to an extremely short costume, we saw LOTS of her!! Can you tell which one she is?!

I love these beautiful girls!

Haidyn's Birthday . . .

Well, I have been a slacker as of late . . . so I will be updating over the next week or so . . . I hope there are those who still check us out!!

Haidyn turned 10 back in December! I can't believe it! She is getting so tall and is such an amazing sister! We had family over as well as a big friend party . . . she got lots of fun presents!

For her "theme" she only wanted orange and green . . . we try to deliver!!

Just look at that cake! I love the look on the little boys faces! So sweet!

For her friend party, I borrowed my wonderful neighbors dance studio (Thanks Tiffany!) as well as her daughter (Thanks Maddie!) to teach the girls a dance. They had so much fun!

We played a bunch of different games too! Silly girls, I think they had fun!
Happy Birthday Haidyn!

I Love What I Do . . .

Two years ago I decided it was time to change jobs . . . while I loved (chuckle) working in the deli at the neighborhood grocery store, it wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I grew up wanting to work in the healthcare world, first I wanted to be an ob/gyn, I determined I didn't want to go to school for that long and decided I would rather be a nurse. Unfortunately life happens. I didn't go to the school I wanted and wasted two years of my life doing what my mom wanted me to do. Then I got married and dropped out, big mistake.
So two years ago I took the first step to doing what I really wanted to do and took a CNA class and got my certificate. I then got a job working at an Alzheimers facility. I absolutely loved it!!! I loved my patients and there was never a dull day, not to mention every day was different. The only thing I didn't love was the 30 minute commute. Then a Rehabilitation facility was being built just down the road, luckily I got a job there. I have been working there for a year now and still love my job.
Back in August I switched from working in the afternoons to working the graveyard shift. So I go in at 10:00 at night and get home at 6:00 in the morning. And I couldn't love it more. A lot of people tell me how sorry they are for me to work the hours that I do, but I love it. Yes, I do lack in the sleep department, but I get to be home with my kids during the day, and get to help them with homework in the evenings and have dinner with them at night and even get to tuck them into bed before I leave for work. Another thing that is nice, I don't have to deal with management. How many people complain about their boss and the other people in the office. I don't see those people. How great is that! I see them on payday and that is about it. I also hear a lot that is must be quiet and not much goes on because everyone sleeps . . . HA! Yes, we do have nights where there are few call lights that go off, but I am usually moving all night long. Some nights are quieter than others and I have the opportunity to watch a movie, but it takes all night to watch the movie. Yes, there are some unpleasant things I get to do also, like change briefs and deal with some unpleasant people, but we all get to do things we don't want to do.
The best part of my job is that I get the opportunity to work with people that make work not seem like work. Lynette and I laugh and have fun all night long. Not to mention that she has become one of the best friends I have ever had. She has the ability to make a long and sometimes frustrating night to be fun and full of laughter!
Two weeks ago Caitlyn had to opportunity with the Young Women in the ward to spend an evening there visiting with the patients I have to opportunity to work with every night. I was so excited to have her spend time with these amazing people. It was fun to have her come home and tell me about what she talked about with my patients. I think she had fun learning a little about what I do.
I am getting my nursing degree. This isn't the ideal time to do it, but I am not giving up on my dreams and that a great thing to teach my children! I love my job, I really, really do!

Performance!

Caitlyn had to either take band or choir this year . . . she did NOT want to sing, so she chose band. She wanted to do percussion, but you had to either have one year of band first or taken piano for two years . . . she only had piano for one . . . Then she decided she wanted to play the Saxophone, but first you have to take clarinet for a year. So, this year she has been learning the clarinet. She is not necessarily loving it, but she is doing a really great job! She has unfortunately gotten a little bit of flack from a few so-called "friends" but she has continued her pursuit! She had her first performance two weeks ago . . . I am such a proud mommie! She did a great job! We love you Caitlyn!

She did such a good job!

Can you see her? This is the best picture I could get . . . most of them you couldn't see below her nose.

Brevin was asleep by the second song . . . he did not even hear her perform . . . I am sure he was heart broken. And yes, he slept through the entire performance!

Here is a sampling of her work . . . Jingle Bells . . . the Clarinets play second. Caitlyn is right in the middle, second row back.

The Tree!

Even though no one reads my blog, or if the do, they never leave me any comments to read, I will continue charting out progress through life. Now that it is just about Christmas, I thought I would let you know what we have been up to the last few weeks. We got up the tree . . . my favorite part. Although I gave in a few years ago and purchased a heavily discounted artificial tree (when working at Roberts) I still love the tree. I light my Christmas tree candle and call is good. I grew up with homemade ornaments on my tree and John thought that was good enough for our family too. It is one of my favorite traditions. We try to add new ornaments every year, most years we succeed at adding new ones.

Caitlyn and Haidyn adding their favorites. And of course they have to fight over which ones they get to put up.

Can you say attitude?

Can you say dork?

Brevin enjoyed and seems to understand what is going on. He is so excited for Santa to come, as long as he doesn't have to see him or talk to him.

Dilyn, what a sweet girl . . . I think she has written 3 or 4 letters to Santa this year.

The mom . . . inspecting everyones work . . . I gave it an A+. Super Job!!

Happy Birthday Haidyn!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HAIDYN LEIGH!

I can hardly believe it was 10 years ago that the sweetest baby came to our home!

Haidyn Leigh . . . born 13 December 1999, 2 weeks early, weighing 8 pounds 13 ounces! I just remember saying over and over how TINY shy was and being told she was a huge baby! Not after her sister!

From the moment she was born her eyes opened, she saw her Dad and fell in love! She has been a Daddy's girl ever since!

I love this picture of Haidyn and my mom . . . What a good Grammy!

A little girl and her pacifier! This was at Gary and Amy's wedding, wasn't she a cute Flower Girl!

Her first dance recital . . . No dancing occurred . . . she said it was because of the circles on her cheeks.

Not a fan of performing or having her picture taken . . . a little frustrating for her mom.

She started climbing right after crawling . . . which she did early too . . . there was no holding her back!

Did I mention she liked to climb?

Haidyn at one-year-old . . . such a cute girl!!

This was at Scott and Sharley's wedding . . . did I mention she didn't like having her picture taken?

My sweet girl!

She has fallen asleep in many different places, not to mention fallen out of bed and never woken up on numerous occasions! Crazy girl!

Luckily she loves to dance now! She is an amazing dancer!

One of my favorite picture of her!

She loves to play and have fun!

Thanks for being such a sweet girl! We love you Haidyn!